The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
