I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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