I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
