My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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