y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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