Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
