I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
