Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
