Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize