I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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