i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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