my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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