i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
