i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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