I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
