I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
