Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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