Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
