Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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