A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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