an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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