Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
