Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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