He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
