so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
