super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize