My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
