hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
