So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize