I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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