I faked an abortion last night.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
