i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
