she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
