he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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