yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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