I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
