wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
