Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
did i just pee glitter
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
