Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
