well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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