why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
