Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
