You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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