Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
