omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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