oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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