I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
