how can u be prego again
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
