Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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