and you said cock pushups were impossible
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
