Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
