I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
