In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
