I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
