stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
