I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
