found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
