I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
