watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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