party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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