1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
