Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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