How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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