Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
