i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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