dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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