I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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